Thursday, January 10, 2013

getting personal today

I was reading through my unpublished posts on Monday.  I start a lot of drafts because I want to remember to eventually post about certain things and lately they have been piling up.  While sifting through the unpublished posts I came across a post that I never thought I would have the nerve to share.  It's deeply personal and in some ways looking back makes me feel a little silly for being so hard on myself.  It's a post I wrote when DJ and I had first started trying to get pregnant.  In NO way, shape or form do I compare the few months it took us to get pregnant to women that actually struggle with fertility but I can say that I can imagine in a small way how it feels.

"Well I'm writing this without the intention to post it anytime soon.  Possibly when/if I ever actually get pregnant I will feel courageous enough to post it, but until then I just need to unload my frustration.

When DJ and I first got married the intention was to wait a year to start trying to get pregnant.  Wait one year, so that we could just be married and in love with one another, wait until we were ready.

I think I have been ready forever.  I am someone that was born to be a mother.  Born to nurture.  I know that a baby changes everything.  I also know that anything that I may lose when becoming a parent will bring on a million beautiful things that I never knew I was missing.

We finally decided it was time to try to make a baby.  I knew when I was ovulating so I thought it would be a sure thing.  I bought one of those early detection pregnancy tests.  It actually had three tests in the box and about five days before my missed period I went for it.  Negative.  I had been reading online that those tests will still only work if the actual egg has implanted in my uterus so it's likely to get a negative reading when testing early.  I only felt a slight twinge of sadness.  I was so sure I was pregnant.  I was reading up on early signs of pregnancy and searching for any indication that I had a bun in the oven.  I promised myself I would wait until the day after my period was supposed to start to test again.  I waited for what felt like weeks.  I woke up on the day after my period was supposed to start and celebrated to see that it still hadn't started and took another test.  Negative.  The sting was far worse this time.  Not to mention, now I started to see the tell tale signs of pms.  A few days later I started my period.  I cried.  I was so sure that this would be easy.  That I would be good at this.  Why didn't this work?  I tried for long to not get pregnant, shouldn't it happen instantly?

DJ reassured me that we would try again.  That it will work.  It was only the first time we tried.  We will try until this happens for us.  It's normal for it to take time.  He is a good man and I love that he was so sure, but I felt slightly broken.  We tried again.  I once again was sure.  DJ was sure.  I even bought one of those home ovulation test kits and knew exactly when I was ovulating this time.  I was so positive that we even told a few close friends that we were trying.  I probably really annoyed my best friend so much discussing the reasons why I thought I was pregnant.  I took another test five days before my missed period because remember, I was so sure this time.  Negative.

Writing this today it is two days after that negative test and I started my period this morning.  I am almost numb to the fact that it didn't work again.  I know I shouldn't be so sad and that it takes time for some people, but I am devastated.  I want to be a mother so bad.  I want to carry a baby.  I can't log onto facebook or turn on the tv without seeing that someone else is pregnant, so why can't it be me?  I am not extremely religious, but I actually prayed to God to give me a baby.  I dreamed about seeing two lines instead of one.  I asked my fortune teller application on my iPad "Am I pregnant?" and believed it when it said "Yes!".  I read my horoscope for an indication that I was expecting.  I Googled a million questions about early signs of pregnancy.  I am consumed with thoughts of motherhood and yet I'm going to have to go through another month before I will have hope again.  It's so unfair.  It's heartbreaking.  My body is failing me.  I am filled with doubt and questions.  What if something is wrong with me?  How long should I try before I need to see a doctor?  Why did we wait a year?

The thing is if I say this to anyone right now, they will just give me the reasons why it's okay and that it's normal and that it's going to be fine, that I just need to stop stressing and relax.  I don't have any interest in those things.  I want to be pregnant and I don't want to hear why it's okay that I'm not.  I'm sure I will be more positive in a few weeks when DJ and I get to try again, but for now I'm upset and I don't want to feel comfort.  I'm going to dry my own eyes, put on some lipstick and pour myself a glass of wine."

The next month I did get pregnant.  As I said, I feel shameful for being too dramatic, for jumping to the worst conclusions after not getting my way the first or second time around.  I read and hear so many stories about it taking years for women to get pregnant and even then only after fertility treatments.  So much noise. It seemed like this was the outcome I was headed for.  This is a perfect example of the worry time I regret so much and would love to have back.  DJ and I were just saying this weekend how we can't even remember how life was without Hank.  We plan to have more children and want to try again at the end of this year, but the pressure is off this time and it feels good.  We have been given a gift and if we are lucky enough to be given a second or third it will simply be icing on the cake.


Anonymous said...

Tears falling and heart wrenching but so happy your journey into motherhood gave you precious Henry. He is what God wanted for you, so you can be the mom you have always wanted to be. love you bunches little girl, xoxoxo

k8te said...

though i'm not a mom yet i can totally relate to being a little impatient (ok, i'm a lot impatient). i can't wait until we start trying (we're waiting a little after 1 year of marriage just to be more financially stable). i totally can't wait to have kids, i think the hubby is a little more reserved about it..(more like nervous i think!) i think there's nothing wrong with you feeling the way you felt, there are so many things in life we control that it's easy to feel a little lost over something we dont' have perfect control of!

Laura said...

I was so impatient! And my husband was so nervous! I'm glad my feelings seem to be universal though. Looking back it seems so silly but in those few months I couldn't help it! You will be the best mama!